End me

I'm tring my best everyday to not end my life.
How can I found that old me?
I keep asking me for help but all than I get is the sound of me pulse.
I'm walking in circles.
I can do nothing.
I have this pain in my guts that's makes me wanna kill this bastard demon inside me.
There is life.
There is pain.
There is love and joy.
And there is nothing.
I just wanna silence.